Mourning the Loss
No one could have
ever prepared me for the feelings I would have after I left the Jehovah’s
Witness organization. It’s been over two years, several counseling and therapy
sessions and yet still I sit here with this blank page before me, unable to
write my feelings and feeling numb to the overwhelming pain that still burns
inside my heart. I’m forced to wonder will this pain ever go away, and if it
doesn’t, how can I learn to cope.
It’s been a debate
for centuries. Why do people CHOOSE to be gay? Several LGBT
groups have tried to help the world see that this is not a choice, this is who
we are, who we are born to be. And even today I find it difficult to grasp how
people cannot understand this simple concept. When I was a Jehovah’s Witness,
even down to the final days talking to Val about what I was planning to do, she
asked me to talk to the elders for they may be able to ‘fix me’ and that if I
did decide to leave I would be making the CHOICE to live a sadistic lifestyle.
I can assure you and
anyone who wants to challenge this fact that as a gay population who are the
target of hatred and prejudice around the world that we did NOT chose to be
this way. I think of Jesus actually and his time on earth. He was the object of
hatred to many. And he too suffered adverse criticism and suffered dearly for
what he was trying to accomplish when he was here on earth. But he did it
because that was his purpose. He was born to fulfill a role that he was born
into. Jesus tolerated and eventually was killed because he knew in his heart
that what he endured was worth it because of who he was. It’s the same I feel
with gay people. If this was a choice I feel like everyone would have stopped
after so many people have been beaten, assaulted and even killed because of
their sexuality. But we have not. And it’s because we are born this way and
there is nothing we can do, even if we wanted to, to change it.
As I said, it’s been
over two years since I heard their voice. In fact I wasn’t expelled from the JW
organization until 3 weeks later and yet they still didn’t try to reach out and
‘save’ me, even when doing so was permitted and didn’t mean any form of
religious discipline towards them. Our friendship I thought was genuine and one
that would withstand anything. I viewed them as my parents. They were so good
to me, and I now know that it was only a friendship as long as I was doing
right by them and the religion. I don’t know why I can’t let go after all I was
lying to them. Heck, I was lying to myself. But still deep down I thought they
would at least talk to me. Instead they have banished me, like I have some kind
of disease. And I got to be honest, it fucking hurts. The pain sometimes is unbearable.
At times I want to show up on their door and knock and make them listen to how much
it hurts to know that I was gay all along, and they loved me, but because now
that I am being honest to myself and honest to the world, I am a Satan
worshipper and deserving of death.
Today marks their 39th
wedding anniversary and I guess that’s why it is hitting me so hard. Anniversaries
are the only thing that they celebrate, so it was a special time of year when I
got to show the two of them just how much they meant to me. And now the only
thing to do is sit here at my computer and be angry at how religion has caused
so much destruction in the world and is the very reason I have lost the two of
them. I’m glad that they are the only ones that I really miss. I certainly don’t
miss the Reg Snook’s or the Bruce Whalen’s who are only there to fill their
pride by being Elders and like to abuse their leadership and are the most
hypocritical people I have ever met. That’s the biggest eye opener and lesson I
learned. Pema Chodron says that our circumstances in life do not change until
the present teaches us what we need to learn. And somehow that wisdom has
helped a lot. Because I have learned that no matter how Godly people claim to
be or how righteous people say they are…… they are still PEOPLE. Human beings
with imperfections. And just because Jehovah’s Witnesses come and knock on your
door doesn’t make them holy. I witnessed more ‘sinful’ things happen when I was
a part of that cult then now.
So I am sorry Al and
Val that my lifestyle doesn’t live up to your standards, but neither does
yours! I do not like to judge people. I do not like to isolate people and treat
them like garbage because they have an imperfection that may appear to be a ‘greater
sin’ than yours. But above all else, I don’t tell people I love them without
meaning it!
So Happy 39th
Anniversary! I hope it’s a good one!
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| I mourn the loss of you much the same as I would if you were dead. Because when I was true to myself and to the world, it wasn't you who died, it was me who was dead to you. |
Peace
and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis