Giving Light to the Darkness

Giving Light to the Darkness

I’m not going to lie; I’ve been having a really rough week. And it’s about time I come clean to everyone about a dark part of my life that has been affecting me for 5 years now.

I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I knew that my being gay yet living with a woman was causing me to feel down, but there was more than that. I was sad all the time and lost a lot of the love for things I enjoyed doing and became a hermit. I was not devoted to my bible studies nor was I doing anything for myself. I simply existed, but was not living.

After my nephew died, it seemed as though nothing would ever make sense to me anymore. I questioned every belief that I had, and wondered if I believed in anything. Being trapped in a world where you feel there is no escape is one of the scariest feelings I think someone could ever feel. It was very lonely.

So I decided to see a doctor about my mental health. I had never properly dealt with the abuse my father exposed me to as a child, and I certainly never even told anyone about my uncle raping me. And now this feeling inside that was about to explode of wanting to break out of this cultivated world I was living in a be true to myself and those around me was causing me a lot of anxiety that I just simply did not know how to deal with.

My sessions were really hard at first. I spent most of the time crying over my stumbled words as I tried to express how troubled my life was.

Shortly after I tried to take my own life.

It became evident to my doctor that there was something more medical going on than just dealing with a lot of shit. It wasn’t long after that, that I was diagnosed with Depression.

It has been such a hard battle to get to where I am to today. And sometimes I question how I managed to get where I am. And often times, like this past week, my depression creeps up out of nowhere and again makes me have doubts and question things that I thought were certain.

You most likely will never understand the brainwashing that occurs in the Jehovah’s Witness faith, but it is deep rooted. I’ve said before in my blog that they believe that homosexuality is a sin, and that anyone who practices such a lifestyle will suffer everlasting destruction at the hand of God. I remember sitting in a meeting where the elders would discuss this topic and I would tense up feeling ashamed of who I was. Have you ever been ashamed of who you are? It is not a nice feeling. Needless to say my self-worth was non-existent and I tried my hardest to ‘pray the gay away’, to no avail of course.

Yesterday I seen a ‘friend’ of mine had posted a picture on Facebook that said “Click ‘like’ if you think that marriage should be between ONE man and ONE woman”.  Immediately the bullied and depressed insecure child in me took this as a personal attack and I had to defend myself. I wrote her a message on Facebook saying that I had to delete her because I found her take on something she knows nothing about very offensive. I told her that I would pray for her that God would help her learn the true meaning of what being a child of God is really about. She then attacked back and this went on for about an hour or so. I’m getting to a point here, bear with me. By the end of the conversation I had gotten nowhere with her because her ignorance prevented her from seeing that I was trying to open her mind and make her understand why her attitude contributes to so much hate in the world. She basically said that Satan had a good hold on me and that I should pray to God – yet again – for deliverance from my evil.

It was this conversation that made me realize something that I hate about myself. Why is it that my self-worth and self-esteem is dependent on what OTHER people think of me, and little on how I think of myself? Have you ever been in that situation? We somehow manage to adapt someone else’s opinion of us as the opinion of our own. And this type of thinking usually worsens when I’m having a ‘down’ time in my life.

It reminds me when two of Perry’s friends, April and Stacey whom he was really close with, one being his ‘best’ friend, decided that they didn’t like me. They felt that I was a liar and that I wasn’t good enough for Perry. They voiced their opinion to Perry and of course he told me, and for some stupid reason, I almost tried to believe them. I looked for the worst attributes in myself and reasoned that maybe I wasn’t good enough for Perry. Maybe he is better off with someone else. And I sincerely thank him for reassuring me that their opinion was their opinion and that he knew who I was and there view of me was not about to change that.
Perry no longer speaks to them, and it saddens me because again I don’t understand why people have to act that way. And I am learning that though I may never understand or accept the actions of other people, it doesn’t mean that I need to attach myself to them or accept them on my own. It’s all about my new project my councilor is helping me work on in setting limits for myself and for others. I need to be readily conscience of when I feel the voices of others get in my head and try and make me believe that I am not a decent person or that I am somehow unacceptable as a human being. She even suggested going as far as putting little sticky post it notes around the house reminding me with quotes and sayings of praise and self-worth.

Depression is something I am still medically treated for today. It is something that I also have to deal with every day, because everyday changes and presents itself with new challenges. But bringing my thoughts and feelings to this Jamie’s Journey blog sure gives me an avenue where I can express myself freely and openly because it is my  journey. And to know that there are people out there rooting for me and do feel like I am a good person gives me the courage to leave the house with my head held high, knowing that I am a good person.

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.” ~ C. Joyes

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis

xo           

I'm am not SUPERMAN

I am not SUPERMAN

I’m struggling. In fact I’m struggling a lot lately with finding boundaries for myself. We often think of setting boundaries for other people, but often times we never set them for ourselves. I had a very insightful session with my shrink today and I certainly had some ah ha moments in that room. But the biggest lesson I learned is that; I am not superman.

Growing up in a home where I was beaten and also raped at such a young age, I always felt let down by so many people. And I learned today that I’m still carrying the scars from those horrific events of my past with me today. How so? Well, I know the hurt associated with being let down and I project those feelings onto anyone I meet or deal with whom I know is hurting. And my inner voice tells me to help those people, because after all, I wouldn’t want them to be let down and neglected as I was. But the problem with that you see is if I give a little bit of myself to everyone else, what’s going to be left of me?

I’m dealing with this situation lots in recent days, mostly because many of my relatives and some of my CF friends have become gravely ill. And it’s not just illness that’s the issue, a lot of people confide in me for many different things. I guess this blog has you all fooled at thinking that I have my shit together. Well, you’re wrong. This blog is mostly used for my self-help and I’m just sharing what I have learned through my struggles in hopes that it may reach someone else and touch the lives of someone who can benefit from my struggles. Either way, I’m grateful to have people who feel comfortable enough to confide in me about their problems, but sometimes it all becomes too much. My councilor illustrated it for me this way;

Life is a garden. And everyone has their own separate piece. Sometimes a friend may need us to visit their land to help them with weeding and watering and so on and so forth. But what happens when a lot of people need us to visit and help with their gardens……what then would happen to ours? Well naturally it would get neglected and would eventually fade away to nothing but dead, dry, withered garbage. Even if there was hope in restoring it to its original condition, it would take an extensive amount of work. Likewise, when we give of ourselves to help out a friend, it’s one thing. But when we devote a major portion of each day’s energy store to help other people, there is nothing left for us and the ones who need it most. Please understand that I am not saying that we shouldn’t help other people when they are in need. That’s not what I am saying at all. It’s just we each have to set boundaries for ourselves to ensure our own sanity.

Another area I am struggling in is knowing when to stay away. I told my councilor today that it’s almost as if I’m drawn to danger. Like I’m a firefighter. Whenever I see fire and smoke, I run right for it. I guess that’s because again of my childhood. No one showed up to put out the fire that almost chocked my mother and I so I feel the need to show up to everyone else’s ‘fires’. It’s almost gotten to the point where my own self-worth is dependent on how much I do for others. But the reality struck hard today when I came to the realization that I cannot fix everything. I will not find a cure for cancer. I will not be able to stop death from knocking at the doors of those whom I love and I certainly cannot change for the better the circumstances of everyone who I know is in a bad way. I’m not sure if my councilor is right in saying my heart is too big, or what it is. But I do feel good when I help others – we all do. But it’s knowing where to draw the line without leaving me feeling like I’m in need of a life line…..that’s the key.

I take on too much. It’s either feast or famine with me. There is no happy medium. As if dealing with having Cystic Fibrosis wasn’t enough, I have to figure out how Joe Blow is going to take care of himself after his mother dies. And how John Smith is going to afford to take time off to care for his ailing daughter. Oh and how Mary Margaret is going to find a new apartment by the time she has to be out of her current living space. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?! I cannot take ownership for everyone’s issues!!!! Firefighters don’t work 24/7, so why am I on duty all the time? Of what good is a firefighter if they are too tired to life a ladder, or drive the truck because they are just so exhausted? So I’ve learned today that when there is a fire, I need to start asking myself some questions. Is the situation going to harm me in any way? And can I actually help the situation?

It’s not just emotionally I am wearing myself out either. Physically I’m exhausted. When we are tired mentally and emotionally, it affects us physically. But work and just regular life duties have me feeling wore out like I need to go on a 6 week vacation from reality.

I’m really tired right now. So I’m leaving it at this. But no, I am not Superman. And now I am going to tend to my own garden.

“Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” ~ Albert Einstein

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Making a new plan

Making a new plan

October 1^st, 2011 is the day that my life flipped upside down. By choice of course. It was the day I had planned literally overnight. After a discussion with my big sister and advice from a dear friend, I got the nerve to leave the life that had caused me the worst pain of my entire life. It’s funny because there are not many details I remember that day, but one stands out. I remember driving next to my Dad, who was surprisingly the one who drove from St. John’s to Gander in his truck to get my personal belongings and what was left of the human shell that was Jamie Chafe. I remember immediately deriving a plan in my head over how my future was going to pan out. It looked a little like this;

- Dwell on the teachings of Jehovah’s Witnesses that I had been taught to believe in

  that God now hated me for leaving the cult, and would now cause my world and my

  life to end, which would cause severe depression and therefore cause me to;

- Get involved with people who abused drugs and have random sex with strangers to

  help numb the pain and end up getting sick which would then cause my CF to

  deteriorate and eventually die

  The end.

At first, the outrageous thoughts of the JW religion did haunt my every thought and dream for the first few weeks. It took a lot of tears and self-help books to force those voices in my head to disappear. But they eventually did. Then, to my surprise, I became very conscience of the need to re-build myself. A self that I could be proud to be. I’m not going to lie, there were a few casual one-night stands that felt so right at the time but ended up leaving me feeling more empty than whole. I thought these ‘flings’ were necessary to finding myself. And because I felt so trapped for so long, it was like releasing a starving lion that hadn’t eaten for weeks out on a bunch of helpless sheep, dying for the taste of their skin. When I was with a man in that way, it felt like I was complete. But then after the number of different men got close to the double digits after only being ‘out’ for a few months, I re-evaluated the need to be promiscuous and began focusing more attention on finding out who I was rather than getting laid.

And that’s when it began. The process, (which by the way will never end), of finding out just what I am made of. Building myself on a foundation of honesty and purity where I no longer have to be ashamed of whom I am. Where I no longer needed to cry myself asleep at night thinking that I had a demon trapped inside of me. And man did it ever feel good! Weeks passed, then months and the old, sad and confused Jamie started to disappear from sight. A new, more confident man emerged. Someone who could look in the mirror and be proud of the reflection.

Then sadly, something happened that wasn’t on the agenda.

I was diagnosed with a rear NTM (non-tuberculin mycobacteria) that would leave me almost dead in the hospital. I remember lying in the bed praying and telling God that he won. He now had his revenge on me for being a gay man. I surrendered. I was done.

And then came Perry. I am not going to get into how he brought me back from the dead because that was already in another one of my blogs (see, “Can you imagine that kind of love?”) But let’s just say that God sent me a big FAT message and response to my surrendering prayer that no, he was not done with me, and that this was not a direct result of my being a gay man.

And now he we are…..over a year later. Life honest to God could NOT get any better, this I know for sure. My health condition is still fragile, yes. But I’m doing more living these days then dying. I’m focusing more on the being present and happy in the moment rather than planning my funeral. My lungs have risen to a point where doctor’s never expected them to reach again. FEV1 measures basically the amount of your lungs that are still operational. When I was sick last year, they went down to a record low for me, of 31%. The doctor’s told me early on that I wouldn’t likely see above 40% ever again. Just this past week, they were tested and my lungs have risen to a staggering 46%!!! A percentage to doctor’s feel is nothing short of a miracle. I am reminded every day that my condition is fragile and that any day my NTM could decide to act up and cause me problems once again as there is no cure. People ask me all the time, “Well, aren’t you scared?” and to be honest, I am not. Why be in fear of the unknown? Why do we place so many burdens on ourselves with “what if’s” and worry about things that may never come true. It’s a proven statistic that human beings spend 95% of their time worrying about things that will NEVER happen.

So what am I getting at? What was the point I wanted to get across in this blog?

Don’t make a plan.

I’ve learned the hard way of the importance of just living for today, and not worrying about what will happen tomorrow. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, and guess what? There’s not a damn thing we can do about it anyways. No one can stop time, so there will always be stresses and anxieties of tomorrow, but why worry?!

Honestly, if someone had to have told me that I would leave my ex-wife, fall in love with a man who loves me for who I am, takes the good-bad and the ugly. That I would be getting married, and have a home and we both would have started our own businesses I would have laughed in your face, because it wasn’t in MY plan. It may not have been in mine but it was in God’s.

When we set plans for ourselves, we also get upset when the outcome that we had fixated in our mind, is not what actually happens. So would it not make sense then to just live for today and not focus so much on making sure that every day happens and ends with a certain outcome? My God, I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

My new plan is to just be happy! I’m enjoying life more now than I ever did. I may be sicker than I ever was, but somehow I’m ok with that. Being happy is a choice that I make every day. I have to. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I hope that maybe somehow, if you are reading this, you will stop and think about your own life. And maybe analyze what you think you want to happen in your life and maybe decide to just hold on for the ride and not worry so much about having everything happen so perfectly in our little plan.

Life is beautiful…..just the way it is.

“With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with   

  the future. I live now.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo