How do you measure, measure a year?

How do you measure, measure a year?

It was around 7pm when the phone rang. It was my big sister. I was feeling suicidal again and just wanted to give up on life. She insisted that she had had enough and that she was calling our father to come and pick me up in the morning and take me out of the life that I so desperately needed out of. I agreed after much encouragement and got in the van and headed to Gander to pick up some boxes in which to put my things. I arrived back home, began to pack up my things and tried to block out my sobbing wife from the background. Even though she knew in her heart that this was coming, no woman wants to acknowledge that their husband is leaving to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. It was really hard on her, and our goodbye is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. If only I had the courage to not even join a religion that didn’t approve of who I was at heart. The next morning dad arrived early and we immediately packed my things onto the truck. It didn’t take long. And after a kiss to both my cat’s and very emotional goodbye to our dog, Jorja and a beautiful goodbye with my ex, I got in the truck and drove away from a life I so desperately hated. I cried for most of the way to town. I thought of how happy we both were at one point in our lives, and how beautiful of a person she was. I thought of how I was going to miss her big smile and mesmerizing big brown eyes. But I also thought of what lie ahead. Will I actually get a chance at happiness now? Will my courage for leaving be rewarded with a new happy, exciting existence?

There are 525,600 minutes within a year. And as I look back over this past year, I cannot help but cry and smile. So much has happened, so much I am grateful for. I almost feel as if I were born at the age of 25. I have spent the past twenty-five years preparing to begin life to the fullest and to be authentic in this journey that God has placed me on. I often reflect on moments in the past and it scares me because I do not even recognize the man I used to be. A scared soul, with no love for himself whatsoever. Someone whom would have preferred pleasing others than to have a moment’s happiness for himself. Someone who truly gave up on life and would have much rather died than to live one more day of misery of feeling trapped in a situation where there was no escape.

Time is a beautiful thing. It allows us to heal and grow in order to achieve better success on this journey. I cannot help be proud of myself now after one year, that I was able to gather the courage from within and face life head on and take control of my own destiny. I do have my sad days when I think of Alicia and everything we were. I have said before her and I shared some great moments together. Moments I will take with me to the grave. But to stand out in this world takes more effort than blending in. I faced a lot of people who would not approve of my lifestyle choice and even had some pretty nasty letters sent to me. I lost all of my Jehovah’s Witness friends overnight, hundreds of them, because they do not approve of homosexuality. But what I gained far outweighs anything I could have ever lost. I love myself today. I am able to look in the mirror and so, ok, you got it boy! This is you! I have self-respect and self-esteem, things in which you lose while trying to conceal the truth from even yourself. And when it comes to losing friends and family members because of my decisions, I am at peace with that. I pray for them all the time, that they lift their judgmental hearts to place of love and acceptance. I cannot control what other people do in their lives, nor can they control me anymore. But I can respect them. They have their right to their opinion just as much as I do. And besides, the friends and relationships I have gained over the past 365 days far outweighs anything I had in my past life. Why? Because they are real. I am able to be me when talking to others now. Not needing to hide anything from anyone. It’s an amazing feeling for someone who spent his life making sure everyone else was happy yet paying little heed to what made me happy. I also have my days where I miss people in Alicia’s family. Her sister Brandi and I were close and her niece Nitika. I miss them terribly but can only pray that they stay well and happy in life. I am confident in knowing that the people who have stayed by my side are the people that love me for who I am, not what I am, and that makes me so happy.

It’s hard to imagine that had I stayed in the situation I was in, transplant would not even be something I would be considering right now. And that saddens my heart to no end. The religion I was a part of did not approve of the use of blood for medicinal purposes. So I just accepted the fact that I would die a slow and painful death, as it is impossible to do a double lung transplant totally bloodless. Therefore I had myself convinced that the end would come. But now that I have escaped that cloud, I am so excited to have this amazing opportunity lay ahead of me. As I have said before, I would be lying if I said at times I don’t get scared, it’s a big procedure with many risks. But at least now I get to choose life instead of death.

On September 20^th, 2012, I became the happiest man alive. Perry my partner in crime agreed to marry me someday in the near future. I am overjoyed with a heart full of love for that man. Perry was my missing puzzle piece. He has totally flipped my world upside down so I now see everything clearly. You ever have a situation where something happens and you just know it was meant to be and it just feels so right? That’s the way this man makes me feel every single day. He is able to give me something my ex-wife never could. If you had told me last year when I was about to leave that in a year, I would be above and beyond happy and that I would have found the real love of my life, I would have laughed in your face. That was my biggest fear in leaving, never finding love again. But as I began to learn to love myself that’s when I was blessed with Perry. He brings out the best in me, and that is what a lover is supposed to do. He makes me want to strive to be a better person, better friend, brother, son….. And as I move forward with him, I am only confident that our bond of love will continue to get more intense. I could not have ordered a better man to join me, hand in hand as I continue on this journey. I Love You Babe!

So in the past 525,600 minutes that have passed since the day I started living, there have been some down days. Day’s where I questioned if I made the right decision. I had some pretty rough relationships when I felt entered the gay world, but that was only because I was on the rebound and hadn’t yet accepted and loved myself. The of course I got sick and the old religious man in my head questioned whether or not I was being punished by God for making the choices that I had made. I have had to work hard over the past year of retraining my thinking and it will still take some time as I lived in one particular way for 8 years of my existence.

Am I happy? Was it worth it? Let’s just say that as I cry my heart out as I conclude this blog entry, I am so thrilled at where my life is. This journey hasn’t been easy, but it keeps getting better and better every day. And even though, yes, I have some pretty scary things happening to me in the near future, I am so proud of the man I am today! J I feel better equipped to handle those things now that I am living as Jamie Chafe was intended to live. We are all here for a reason. Sometimes it takes others to figure out longer why they are. I’m glad it didn’t take me too long. I know I am here to do something great. I’m not sure what that is yet, and I am anxious to find out. But until then I am going to continue to try and be a shining light in people’s lives and to spread hope and joy to those who are going through difficult times. Some great expressions of love were shown to me when I was bottomed out and now it’s my time to pay it forward.

I want to take a moment to thank you all for your amazing support towards me this past year. I could not have done it without the loving support from those who mean the most to me. I know at times it may have seemed hopeless to stay by my side because I was in such a mess, but you stuck with me and help me become who I am today and for that I will be forever grateful. And to those of you reading this who may be going through some rough waters in your life; a special message to you. Follow your heart! When life knocks at the door, do not ignore it. Embrace it. It will only get better when you do. You cannot do what I did and sit around and wait for change to happen. Change requires action on our part. Make the changes you need to make in order to ensure your own happiness. Life is too damn short people! And you are worth it!

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.”  ~ Buddha

Peace and Much Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Death at the Door

Death at the Door

Your whole life changes. Everything you thought you knew and believed in suddenly becomes garbage. It’s as if you were walking around , your entire life with this foggy haze and then suddenly, for the first time the sun shines. You feel the warmth on your face and you embrace the suns glow as a kiss from the heavens. You smile instantly because even though death is as the door, you never felt more alive.

That’s exactly how I felt when the whole concept of transplant was introduced to me. You sometimes forget how precious life truly is until being told your existence may soon come to an end. And I’m tired of being so strong lately that I just wanted to write a blog about how I am coping with all this. It’s hard when everyone around you doesn’t understand your sudden zeal and zest for life and why you are so passionate about everything. My only regret is not living my entire life feeling as free as I do now. So it burns me to ask, if you knew your days were numbered, would you live your life differently? None of us have an expiration date on our back. So isn’t it best that we all live as if there were no tomorrow? Can you imagine how beautiful this world would be?

It can be rough sometimes sitting in this world feeling like you’re the only one in it. An everyday 25 year old doesn’t have to face what I face. And it’s not that I am looking for pity, because pity is what I am NOT asking for. It’s just that when people get overwhelmed with how I am living my life these days, it begs me to question if they are seeing something in me in which they wished they themselves could possess. For example, Perry and I just got engaged, and we have heard from a few people, “wow, you guys are moving fast”. But Perry and I are in love. We know in our hearts that we want to spend the rest of whatever time, be it 15 or 20 years together, so why should we wait? I often find that jealousy prompts people to make such statements as they are longing to have something as beautiful in their lives. Perry is the very reason I am still alive, why wouldn’t I want to honor him by allowing him to walk through this journey at my side. He’s proven he can do it, and he wants to do it. So I’m letting him!

My tolerance to bullshit is also getting more and more less tolerable. I need to work on compassion as because I am staring death in the face, it makes me wonder why people get on with such immature behavior and act out in such childishness. But I have to remember these people are not on my journey, perhaps if they knew their partner was dying and was terminally ill then they would get it, but they just don’t! So I have to accept that. Doesn’t mean I have to put up with bad behavior or be a doormat to people, it just has meant that I needed to cut some dramatic, attention seeking people from my life. It really hurts though when it is your family.

My Family were people that I thought were going to stick by my side no matter what. No matter what I did, I would have hoped they could get the real sense of what is going on and realize that my days on this earth could be numbered. No one knows if this transplant will be a success. Despite the doctors best efforts anything could go wrong, so the risks are high. Now I am not saying I believe that’s the case, because I have said from day one I picture life after transplant and it’s beautiful! But I wish people, including my family could really get over themselves and realize just how badly I need their support right now. Rather they are talking shit about me, spreading harmful gossip and causing great distress knowing that their petty behavior will be something they will regret in the long run. Life is too damn short people!
It breaks my heart that with the exception of my Aunt Linda and big sister Kayla, not one member of my family has asked me how I am doing with all of this. Not one! It makes me so sad at heart to even fathom that this would be the case. I always imagined my family being front row, center. But they are nowhere to be found. And it’s very difficult to accept that. It’s hard to accept that something I did 5 years ago that has no relevance to my present health condition is being held against me. But this is where my new attitude comes in. I don’t have time to care.
Sure I’m really sad that things have to be this way, but it’s their limitation to not be able to move forward and realize and wake up the reality of what’s on the line here. It will be their regret when they wake up and realize that I am gone. That they couldn’t even call and see how I was doing. Until that day, if it ever comes, I’m gonna pray for those people, because I find them really sad and damaged. To not be able to show love to your own family member is a hard pill for me to swallow, but I have been given no choice.

I as a person have had to focus more on the people I do have in my life, rather than worry about the ones I don’t. They obviously aren’t losing any sleep over it, so why should I. I am have been so overwhelmed this past month with the support from people I barely even know, to show such expressions of kindness, to make donations to help me get another fighting chance at this. I know I have said it time and time again, but thank-you just doesn’t cut it. It’s like I wish I could invent a stronger word for the Webster’s dictionary to express just how grateful I am to these people. The only thing I can do is to promise I will use my life to do something amazing, and to make change in this world.

So yes, it can get very overwhelming knowing that at any point now in the near future death and I may have a close encounter. But it has enriched my life in ways that I am just so thankful. Like I said everything because clear and the stupid, petty non-essential arguments we all have with each other just seems like a literal waist of fresh air. It’s allowed me the moments to stop time and admire a sun setting, second by second. It’s allowed me the beauty in seeing the fall leaves slowly changing color. It’s allowed me to see the love in a young girls eyes for her father that he doesn’t realize is so strong. It’s allowed me to live. I don’t take any moment here on this earth for granted. I treasure every one, and make sure I do at least one major thing each day to enhance the joy I have in my life. It’s so important for all of us to do so, because I may know that soon I have some rough waters to voyage through, but a lot don’t have that kind of warning. So people, please, make sure you live to your fullest; you never know when today will be your last today.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." ~ Unknown
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

The books of Revelation

The books of Revelation

It’s amazing what reading has done for me this past year. I was never a big reader. Even in high school I would go on cheat websites to get book reports so I didn’t have to read the darn things. Now the thought of a life without literature scares me, only because I have received so much joy and comfort from reading. I recommend anyone who is going through tough times in life to pick up a book. I was never a big believer in ‘self help’ books, but to be honest, they are what really helped me through. Learning about how others like me got through the darkest of days and how they prevailed through trials and tribulation made me feel less alone, and gave me the courage and determination to press forward.

My aunt Heather is a writer, and soon I after I left my wife, she sent me a care package. But not a normal care package that one would expect to receive after ending a marriage. Nope, no chocolate or alcohol, just books. At first I was really skeptical about picking them up and reading the contents as I was tired of living my life the way someone interpreted from some book. I just wanted to be free. But yet something was still missing. I had lost the love I once had for myself. How can you love yourself when you had to lie everyday just to cover up who you truly were as a human being. But then a couple of titles caught my attention and because I had a lot of spear time, and felt desperate to try anything to get me out of the funk I was in, I started reading. Page after page I cried my heart out, feeling relieved that there was hope for a lost, scared soul like mine. It took me about three months to complete all the books she sent. Some I have re-read since then. I can honestly say that those books gave me such a boost. A boost I so desperately needed. To think so much joy could be gained by simply reading! Now whenever aunt Heather recommends a book, I run out and get it as fast as I can, as I know I can depend on her to suggest a good read.

Reading these kinds of books reminds me of someone making a map on a journey for someone else to follow someday. When I read how other people have overcome the most desperate circumstances in their lives is like a guide for me of what to not do. You can learn a lot from other people’s mistakes if you are willing to learn. That’s what reading has done for me. You can also gain a lot of strength when you read books that help you love yourself and learn to find your own path in life.

I spent 7 years of my life reading and preaching from the Bible. And I am not here to insult or abuse the respect the Bible deserves; this is all from my personal experience. But I have gained more knowledge and insight and wisdom from these other books than I have from the bible. I have learned to truly love myself and be a better person. It is my belief that all of us are capable of greatness, it’s just that some of us need a little help from external sources every now and then to reach our full potential. Reading helps us reach that inner voice we all have, most of us refer to it as our “voice inside”, and helps properly train it to make us into compassionate, loving humans. Knowledge itself is not power, but when knowledge turns to wisdom after we learn to apply what we learn, that’s power!

I am so grateful to the authors who have helped me find myself again. I feel so alive because of these great titles that have lifted my spirit and strengthened my soul. I will forever be a reader now, as I have witnessed firsthand that it has the power to change your life and change you as a person.

I have also been privileged enough to affect others with my own writing. I will never get used to the kind and loving messages from people about how my journey through this tough world has strengthened them and has encouraged them to press on and push a little harder. After all isn’t that why people write to begin with? In hopes that their words can be of strength to someone else? If it didn’t benefit anyone no one would do it. It would be a waste of time. I write these blogs because it is therapy for me. To get my feelings down on paper, and be able to express myself with words and not have to worry about consequences is an amazing feeling. Better than a therapy session for me. But to know that my pain is helping someone else get through a dark time in their life is more of a blessing really. Because it’s bad enough that people have to go through rotten things, but if something positive can come from it then so much the better.

I look forward to continue reading and continue writing. I plan to do so for the rest of my life. It has enhanced my life so much that I cannot imagine ever giving it up. I need all the strength I need as my transplant draws closer and if that strength can be obtained from books, then bring it on!

I’ll conclude this blog by sharing some great titles for anyone wanting a good read;

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway Susan Jeffers, Ph. D
When bad things happen to good people Harold S. Kushner
Man’s Search for meaning Victor E. Frankl
SixtyFive Roses Heather Summerhayes Cariou
Hope will find you Naomi Levy
Leanring to Fall; Blessings of an imperfect life Philip Simmons

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
`Ralph Waldo Emerson


Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Celebrate Life!

Celebrate Life!

It’s been in the darkest hours of my life that I have needed to celebrate life. But it’s only recently that I have gotten the courage to do so. What could be more darker to face than death, and that’s what I am about to do as I go through the process of receiving a double lung transplant. Yet, why am I so happy?

We all have different shit going on in our lives. Some of us are ending relationships. Some of us lose loved ones. Some of us are battling cancer. Some have financial difficulties. Whatever the case, we all have something to deal with and neither of us are immune to any of the blows that life throw at us from time to time. I had a conversation recently with a man who had stage 4 lymphoma. He had the kindest smile. When I asked him how some he was so happy and how he was able to be so strong, you know what he said to me? “Because every day I celebrate life!” He told me that we as human beings have the tendency to get so caught up in the day-to-day things in life that we forget to take the time to stop and smell how good that coffee is we are drinking. Or admire the beautiful surroundings nature has to offer, rather than just drive on by. What an attitude!!

I pray that this attitude is one that I can nurture as I move forward. I do consider myself someone who takes the time to enjoy the simple things in life. There is no cost associated with admiring a sunset or smelling flowers at the local park. These simple things in life are what brings the greatest joy. I too have been asked in very recent days how I am able to be so strong and hold it all together despite having so much going on in my life. And the reason is because I just want to celebrate the time I have left and not worry about tomorrow.

I have a tattoo, the first one I ever got with my great friend Shara. It is inside of my right upper arm and it says, “No day but today”. I adapted this way of life from the movie Rent. Have a ‘no day but today’ approach on life has brought me great joy in the past year. What that means to me is, not worrying about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have its own anxieties, its best to focus in the NOW for that is all we have control over. And added to that, tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. So why should we waist any of our time worrying about things that may never happen?

Truth is, I’m scared to death to get my lung transplant. I think anyone who tells you otherwise going through this process is liar! lol It’s scary stuff! It’s not every day you are faced with having to get your rib cage cut in two, and then have your lungs hauled out of you in exchange for foreign ones. But when I think about the alternative, dying without at least trying to live, it saddens me. That’s why I am doing this. I am not ready to throw in the towel. I truly believe in my soul that I am destined to do something here on this earth that I don’t know yet. But I wanna be here to find out.

When Velvet offered to hold a fundraising event for me, I knew I had to think of a great name. Something that I can stand behind. “CELEBRATE LIFE” was actually the first and only thing that came to my mind. I knew that I would get a lot of support and I wanted a theme that reflected a positive attitude and bright outlook for the future. I hope all who join Perry and I truly get that spirit there tomorrow night as we dance the night away. It’s going to be so overwhelming for me to see all the support from the community, from strangers and from friends and family, all dressed in black and white! The support is just so touching to me and gives me such motivation on this journey.

How do you say thank-you to people who donate their time and a little bit of their money to help save your life?………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. there are no words I can find that even come close to what I want to say. It’s like I wish there were stronger words than thank-you I could use to express to you all for joining me and showing fellow feeling and love to me. But I do want to take this time to make you all a promise. And now you will have it in writing. I promise that when I come out of the surgery, I will make you all proud. I vow to use my life for the good and to do something in this world to make a difference. I vow to continue to live each day as if it were my last and to be a good person to my fellow humans. I promise to continue to be me.

I cannot tell you all how much I am looking forward to this event. It is going to be so much fun and a night I will take with me in my heart forever. Because at the end of the day, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted in my life, to be surrounded by friends who love each other and have a good time. Until then….

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

I forgive....myself.

I forgive…..myself.

There is one thing that I pride myself on, and that is the ability to forgive. I believe that holding grudges and resentments towards people takes too much energy and can rob us of much joy to be had in this life. Make no mistake, I am not saying that I am a doormat and that you can hurt me a million times, but if someone shows genuine remorse over something they have done to us, should we not forgive?

My father is a different man today than he was back then, and I have come to move on and accept my past and leave it there, in the past. What’s done is done and none of us poses the power to go back and change anything. So I have just choses to accept that my father had limitations to showing love, as he learned from his own upbringing, and that deep down in his heart I know that he loved and still does love me. I am so glad that I forgave him and let go of all the anger than used to consume my life, because now I can be around him and learn who my father truly is and reap the benefits of giving someone another chance.

I sincerely do forgive my mother for her unwise decision to smoke around me all my life despite having a life threatening illness that effect the lungs. In recent days she has done things that I will never understand yet, I forgive her but will not allow myself to be hurt any longer. Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting up with unacceptable behavior. It means that we learn to let go of negative karma we have in our souls yet allows us to be cautious to future attacks of coldness.

I forgive the hundreds of Jehovah’s Witnesses who have turned their backs on me for being a homosexual. I never thought that people who claimed to love me so much would ever turn their back on me because of whom I chose to go to sleep with at night. I understand their hurt over my leaving Alicia, but to embrace a life and be truly happy, I don’t think anyone has the right to not like that. I had to lose several friends and loved ones because of my choice to come out, but in the end it’s the people who love me and truly want me to be happy that I still have left by my side.

I learned recently through a wise soul that there is one person that I do not have the ability to forgive and I was made to realize that I hold a lot of resentment toward this person. Can you guess who it is? Me. I never even thought of the concept of self-forgiveness until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that I am constantly rehashing my past mistakes and allowing it to shape the decisions of my future. I am able to free others of the burden of being in my ‘bad books’ yet my name still covers the pages.

I know I wasn’t the perfect child. I made a lot of mistakes. I was very spoiled and I knew it. My two sisters often felt that I was treated better and they were 100% accurate. I was always favored by my mother because of my illness. And she had to give me a lot more attention because of my physical care needs as a child. But I did get out of hand on several occasions. The first big mistake I recall making was when I was 15. I really wanted whitening toothpaste and the new ‘clicky’ pencils that just came out. So, when me and mom and my aunt were at Sobeys I stole them. And guess what, I got caught. I am thankful that I did as I wonder if I would have continued to steal as a way of getting what I wanted. It’s only been recently that I have forgiven myself for that. I always feel like everyone is watching me when I go into a store, even after all these years. I haven’t stole a thing since. But it was something that I harped on myself for, for a very long time. It’s only been in recent years that I have let go of the fact that I made that mistake.

I had a real hard time this time last year preparing to leave my ex-wife, as I felt that it would be my fault if her life remained unfulfilled after I left. I had to learn that I was not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. I am so happy to hear that she is doing well these days and is very happy. It makes my heart soar. But I still blame myself for getting into that situation in the first place. Had I had the courage to embrace my true self right from the beginning and when I was taught that homosexuality was wrong from someone’s perspective from the bible I should have defended the fact that I was born this way. I don’t regret marrying her. We shared some of the most beautiful moments in my life. However I could have spared a lot of hurt had I just been open and honest, not just with myself, but with the world. But I have learned to forgive myself for that. I am a much better person now, a different person. Someone who loves himself and respects himself to know that I cannot change the past, just try and be a better person as I move forward.

Then there was the issues with my mom. I used to lie a lot you see. I used lying in my previous life as a coping mechanism. Therefore I began to lie in every aspect of my life, not just to cover up my true identity from the world. That cost my mom a lot of heartache and it was some of the darkest days of my life. I felt so bad for causing someone so much pain and upset that it was one of the reasons I turned suicidal. But everyone has to face the truth eventually, and lies only last for so long. So when the truth came out, and I came out, I vowed not anyone else but to myself, no more lying. I have learned the hard way that telling the truth is much easier, no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. Lying only brings on my problems. But when you tell the truth you are able to find solutions. I learned this the most of course when I embraced my sexuality. But I have made an effort to correct things with my mom and I have learned to let go of what I did. The reality is we are all human and we all make mistakes. I had to stop making myself out to be an evil person.

I could go on and on about the mistakes I have made over the years, in fact I could write a book. But these ones were some of the major ones that I have done in my life. And I am only discussing them in hopes of helping someone else let go of self-resentment. Again, no one on this earth is perfect. Some may claim to be but they are living in a fantasy world. And some make more serious mistakes than other, but they are still mistakes. I am still learning to truly love myself and in doing that I am learning to forgive ME. I cannot hold a burden in my heart against myself for all the wrong things that I have done in my life. I just don’t have the energy nor the time for that. But when we learn to let go of feeling that we are not good enough, we become better people. Better husbands, better children, better siblings – better people!

What’s done is done. I cannot ask someone for forgiveness if I first cannot forgive myself. That would be like asking for a loan and never being able to pay it back. So the next time forgiveness is needed towards someone else, make sure you love yourself enough to forgive you.

“My past mistakes have been laid to rest
 Now there is only room for happiness”
 ~ Shania Twain

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis

"I Know What Love Is" - Celine Dion

“I Know What Love Is” – Celine Dion

As I reflect and look back on where I am today, I see that it is only by having love in my life that I was able to withstand the blows of bad things that have happened to me in my life.

As a child you never want to admit to yourself let alone else that your family isn’t what you would call perfect. But I knew mine was far more dysfunctional than anyone else I knew. Arguing and fighting was second nature in our home and often resulted in me taking the brunt of it from my father. But even after the most brutal attacks, my mother was always there, ready to wrap her arms around me and make me feel safe once again.

Love as an action has the ability to perform the most amazing things. It sparks emotions in human to do the most generous things; taking a trip to Africa to build houses and schools for the poor, abandon a vehicle to jump in a river and help a dog, even taking time to visit old people in the hospital who have no family. I could go on and on with how we can and have expressed love to others, but the point I want to make from this entry is to just do it.

It’s been in my darkest hours that I have needed, and then received the love from a fellow human being. But it would have never happened if they hadn’t just done it! We need to take the initiative in this world to make it a better place, and what better way to do that then by showing love to others. And the best thing about love is that it is a universal language that we can all speak and communicate with one another.

I was having a really rough day recently with all of this transplant stuff catching up on my emotions, and I got a message from someone I never even knew. Telling me that it is by my struggle and my writing this blog that they have decided that they too were going to continue their fight against this stupid disease. Little did he know that I was having a really rotten day that day. When the universe calls, LISTEN!

What I am learning to do these days is to express love to those who show little to no love for me. It is very hard, and I am not saying that I am allowing myself to be a doormat. But I have learned from the wise that we cannot expect things from others that we first do not expect from ourselves. It’s like expecting someone to take a bath because they stink but yet we haven’t showered for the past year! It’s just that simple. And the thing about love is that it doesn’t have to be shown in lavish, expensive ways. It’s the little things that mean to most to most folks I believe. Holding the door for a stranger, even if he looks like a hard case. Buying someone Tim’s in the line ahead of you just because. It doesn’t have to be a million dollar mansion with a car included. Those are unrealistic ways in which we can change the world. But we can start by being nicer to each other by showing little acts of love.

Back in February, I had myself convinced that this was the end of my fight with CF. I thought my body had had enough and it was time to give up. Then the most amazing thing happened; love knocked on my door. Perry walked in as his oh-so-fabulous self as I lay in my bed, a whopping 117 pounds, curled up under a blanket looking as if there were only bones underneath. I hadn’t showered in probably three days and looks like something to be pitied. Well, we fell in love that day. At the end of that visit, he insisted on coming back to see me. And he did. The following weekend he spent the night in my hospital room. Cuddled into me, with no sexual intentions at all, just wanted to be there to hold me so I wasn’t alone. This soon became a regular thing and it’s unique that I can tell people I feel in love with Perry in a hospital. He visited me every weekend for the next two months. Never missed one. He’s been to every doctor’s appointment. Never missed one. And he is there for every bad day that I have these days. He never misses one.

I’ve never told anyone this until now, but I know in my heart and in my soul it was Perry’s love that kept me alive through this past sick period of my life. I do not doubt it one bit. The Power of Love can even save someone’s life and I believe it has. And the fact that that man is willing to jump on this train with me that is leading to God knows where, speaks not only for the type of person he is, but how much he loves me. I asked him recently I said, “Babe, why are you putting yourself through all this?” He said, “Jamie, no one deserves to be alone, and especially someone like you who has to go through so much. And besides, you keep forgetting, I’m the one who gets to see the ‘healthy’ you at the other side! And you know what babe, if something does go wrong and we don’t see eachother again after your surgery, I will know what it feels to truly love someone and be loved in return. Oh, and did I mention, YOUR WORTH IT!”
~ That’s the power of love.

I have experienced a lot of love in my life. None that I take for granted because it is too precious and is too dear to me to ever let go. But especially now that I have started on this new road to getting a double lung transplant. The response from complete strangers has been the most humbling thing I have experienced in my entire life. And it just keeps coming! I’m looking forward to continued love and support because I know it will be there, all around me.

I have also realized that not everyone is capable for showing this admirable trait. Some are to wounded by there own troubles and trials in life to extend that kind of feeling. So I know that there will be those that I will have to lose during this process and I will have to realize some harsh realities of who my true supporters and friends are. It’s a hard pill to swallow but one that I am learning to just accept and not get angry over. I need to save all my energies for what lies ahead, I need not worry and fret over what other people feel or say about me.

So the next time the opportunity is given where you have the chance to show someone love, regardless of what the form, just do it. You have no idea what it will mean to the receiver. And again, nothing fancy or elaborate….just love. We all have a beautiful reason for being here, or else this whole “life” business would be pretty pointless. So don’t fight with the universe when the call comes. Perry didn’t, and I am so eternal thankful for that!
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~Lao Tzu

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis

To Perry.

“I know what love is” – Celine Dion
I was forgotten
Until you called my name
Lost in the shadows
Until you shined your light my way
Now I believe again
In all my dreams again
I'm wide eyed and innocent
Those doubting days
Are so far away and oh

I will fall
And you will catch me always
Time has taught me this
I will fly
And you'll be there to guide me
Straight up to my heart's highest wish
I feel you close to me
And I know what love is

Now there's no mountain
Too high for me to climb
No ocean so wide
That I could not reach the other side
Now I believe in me
Cause you live and breather in me
And nothing can come between
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/celine-dion-lyrics/i-know-what-love-is-lyrics.html -]
We are one star
No nigh can darken, Oh

I will fall
And you will catch me always
Time has taught me this
I will fly
And you'll be there to guide me
Straight up to my heart's highest wish
I feel you close to me
And I know what love is

It's an unspoken thing
A quiet opening
There are no words that can go that deep
But I know
I know

I will fall
And you will catch me always
Time has taught me this
I will fly
And you'll be there to guide me
Straight up to my heart's highest wish
I feel you close to me
And I know what love is