Saturday 30 June 2012

A tribute to my best friend, Deborah Maria Hawksley


A tribute to my best friend, Deborah Maria Hawksley

Have you ever been blessed enough to have that one friend, that one person with whom you can count on no matter what, through the good and the bad and they have always been there?

Have you ever had that one friend who understands you when no one else in the world does?

I met Deborah in Junior High School. For whatever reason I picked her out of the crowd and knew I had to get to know this amazing young woman. Her smile could melt the toughest heart and her laugh would do the same. Though she was shy and timid, totally opposite as me, I knew in my gut that would hit it off and be great friends. And she really didn’t have much of a choice because I stalked her for the longest while until she had no choice but to be my friend! D, was one of ‘the girls’. There was a whole posy of them that I eventually had to befriend or else a friendship with Deborah would have been pointless. After all, I did have a penis and I could not easily fill the role of ‘girlfriend’ when it came to talking about periods, boys and the latest and greatest fashions. I left that job up to Ashley and Amy, and later Rebecca.

For some reason my having CF never bothered Deborah and the girls. In fact whenever I ended up in hospital it was always Deborah who initiated getting something together for me. I still have a huge teddy bear and a card from grade 9 that they all surprised me with. But for some reason, whenever I was having a bad day in school, D was the only one who really ‘got it’. I think it was because of her huge heart and compassion for others that enabled her to put herself in other people’s shoes. No surprise that she is now finishing her Master’s Degree to become a Music Therapist – helping others!

Whenever I needed a friend, she was there. She knew all along I was ‘different’ but didn’t pressure me at all to come out in school. In fact we never even discussed it until last year, when she told me that she wasn’t surprised. Deborah was the type of girl in school you always imagined marrying. Beautiful too, though she never ever gave the impression that she knew it. Didn’t flaunt it like the other high school bitches that I would want to slap in the face at times.
Deep down to this day I don’t think she knows just how beautiful a human being she is. It’s funny because the night before I left for Gander to pursue a life with Alicia, I begged Deborah to kiss me. I needed to know if there was anything there. But it quickly became awkward and the kiss didn’t happen. I wonder sometimes if I had played my cards right, would I have married that girl. But then again, where would that have gotten her? Lol

Today, Deborah and I share the most beautiful relationship there is to be had. We don’t talk every day and we may go months in fact without talking, but somehow when we finally connect it feels like we had spoken 20 minutes ago. Our relationship is care free and requires little work which I kind of think relationships should be. Don’t get me wrong, we do work at it, making time to see each other whenever we can, her being in Ontario and me being home here on the rock. But we always are there for each other whenever the call is needed. She is the picture perfect image of what a best friend should be. She will and always will be whom I consider my best friend!



Dear Deborah,

As you celebrate your 25th birthday today, I hope you truly comprehend just how much of an impact you have had on my life. I don’t mean to get morbid but when I tried to end my life last year, you were one of the people that came to mind to live for.
I love our beautiful friendship. You mean so much to me Deborah and I want the world to know that I would not be the man I am today had it not been for the love from a great friend like you. You never judged me. You were always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, even if it was over Facebook chat!
As I reflect over the past 10 years of friendship, I can’t help but thank God for the blessing you have been in my life.
We have shared some good times and not too many bad times. But one thing is for sure, you have been one of my rocks through all the messy bits that have been my life. And for that I will always be grateful D!
As I look forward to the future when I someday will need a lung transplant, I hope I am only so lucky to have you by my side. And I promise you that if I ever get married again, 99.9% chance I will, you will be in my bridal party where you should have been the first time!

I hope this day is a fraction as beautiful as you are! You deserve all the great things that are happening to you in your life! (And I pray Steve is treating you like the princess you are!) You shouldn’t settle for anything less!

I cannot express in words enough here on this page to tell you just how much you mean to me, so I’ll finish with this…..

I Love You Deborah! Always and Forever!

J
XO “When we first talked to each other
I knew we would always be friends.
Our friendship has kept on growing
And I'll be here for you to the end.

You listen when I have a problem
And help dry the tears from my face.
You take away my sorrow
And put happiness in its place.

We can't forget the fun we've had
Laughing 'til our faces turn blue.
Talking of things only we find funny
People think we're insane-If they only knew!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks
For catching me when I fall.
Thanks once again for being such a good friend

And being here with my through it all.
~ Rachel Ellis


Thursday 28 June 2012

Living with Loss: Dear Rorry


Me and Rorry
Brodie and Nitika
Living with Loss: Dear Rorry

One of the greatest blessing, and why I do not regret having made the choice I made, is that I gained a beautiful family through my ex. Upon meeting Nitika, Brodie and Rorry, children of my sister in-law Brandi and her husband Andrew, I knew it was love at first sight. The had this way about them, a way many kids do not these days that just reassure you that children are indeed precious.

I immediately took to the youngest, Rorry. I always found it amusing while other kids would be playing outdoors he would want to be inside talking to the adults and hearing about what it was like growing up in the ‘old days’ from his grandfather. And he loved his cup of tea too! I think it was because he reminded me so much of myself as a child, so innocent and caring. He always had a way of brightening your day. Brodie was more of a shy, to himself kind of a child. He was able to entertain himself with a T.V. and a videogame. Oh so timid, but yet had a loving heart that would never see anyone in need of help without offering a hand. And then there’s Nitika. She to this day doesn’t realize just how much I love her. Always will. She was your typical little girl. Alicia, my ex and I called her ‘Tika’, along with many others. She was the light of my world. As I look back on leaving Alicia the single most hardest moment was walking up to their house and watching Nitika cry as she couldn’t understand why I was leaving. In that very moment, I remember wanting to cancel all my plans and turn around. But I knew that when she got older and understood more about life, that I hoped she could one day forgive me for the choice I made, and that someday we would be close again. We spent many wonderful moments together with Tika. She came to our home often and always had a way of settling any argument Alicia and I would have with some slued comment about how stubborn I was being, and boy was I stubborn! And she could always make me smile, regardless of what my day brought me, or how I was feeling.

I got along really well as well with her sister Brandi and husband Andrew. Brandi filled the void I felt when my big sister left for the main land. I could talk to her about almost everything, never feeling judged and always left with a fresh point of view. And Andrew was your typical manly man, always cracking hints that he thought I may be gay, but never made me feel insulted. I look back at it now as kind of funny!  

Alicia and I were married on August 18th, 2007. And just a week after our 1 year wedding anniversary, we received the most devastating phone call. We were in Wal-Mart at the time, both working as merchandisers when the phone rang. The look on Alicia’s face said it all. The phone dropped to the floor as well as a handful of CD’s she was carrying as she looked at me and said “We have to leave, NOW!” As we drove to the accident scene, we both did not know what to expect. Only that it was bad.

The first thing that I saw was the car, totally smashed in on one side, where the car had obviously been T-boned. I remember not being able to move my eyes from the right passenger side where I had hoped no one had been sitting. And then I saw the transport truck. The front of it was so damaged that I knew deep down in my heart this was going to be a day I would never forget. Soon after we heard Brandi yelling out to us, “Get to the hospital! Go find Rorry! Go be with Rorry!!” We kissed Brandi quickly and then jumped head first into the car and rushed to the hospital. When we arrived, they couldn’t tell us anything other than the fact that he was still alive and that they were trying everything they could do.

Hours passed and just when things got hopeful, we would receive more bad news. He needed an operation on his spleen, and that went well but there was so much damage they couldn’t guarantee us anything. Finally, the doctor and social worker asked for all of the family to meet in a room. They told us that Rorry was being kept alive, only by machines. And that the damage is too extensive for them to believe he would ever recover.

As we stood around him, all saying our goodbye’s, I felt as if I were in a movie and that soon someone would say “Cut”. But this was no movie. I stayed with Brandi and Andrew and Brandi’s sister in law as they unplugged the machines that were keeping him alive. As I seen the flat line roll across the monitor, I knew I would never be the same again. I burst out the doors unable to breathe, and just cried and screamed over, and over “He’s gone! He’s gone!” Less than an hour later, we left the hospital unable to do anything and feeling hopeless we tried to return home and rest. There wasn’t much rest to be had that night. Nor for many night after.

Three days later we buried him. It was the day after his birthday. He would have been 9 that year. After his death, I visited him often, especially when I needed someone to talk to. Even though he couldn’t talk back, it always made me feel better somehow. I visited him several times and actually, as I am writing these words, I recall Rorry was the first person I ever truly told that I was gay. He listened to me bicker about life and how much I wished things were different.

Since that day, I have been trying to make sense of a lot of things in life. Some I have worked out and others I still question. What I do know is that, that little boy was loved so much by his family, and that the devastation of losing him has only drawn them closer. To this day the family does simple, yet meaningful things to remember that precious little boy. It is my belief that they always will and that Rorry will never be forgotten.
God knows I never will.

Dear Rorry,

A lot has changed since the day you left us here on this earth. Some things I’m sure you wouldn’t be so proud of, others I hope you would understand.
I miss you so much. Though I don’t see your family as much now, they still hold a very special place in my heart, the same way you will.
You losing your life has taught me one valuable thing wholeheartedly; life is not guaranteed. And you should live each day as if it were your last. You were only young, but you sure did that.
I want to make a promise to you this day.

I promise that I will forever be true to myself, from this day forward. And that no matter how ugly the truth may be to always speak it with courage and bravery. I promise to love like I have never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. And sing like no one can hear me.
I promise you Rorry that I will USE every day of this life to be happy and never settle for anything less. And last but not least, I promise to carry you with me, wherever I go and never let you out of my heart.


I Love You Rorry,
Always and Forver,

Uncle Jamie
xo




(A song that I wrote soon after he died)

BACK RIGHT HERE
You were wise beyond your years...
Always dried up all our tears.
With that silly little smile, we had you only for a while,
Wish that you were back right here.

A moment changes life so fast...But your memory will always last.A little boy who's heart was true, touched the lives of all you knew,Wish that you were back right here.

They say that tomorrow gets easier, and time heals the pain

But your little life was taken, and things will never be the same, because...

You were so special, a man among the boys
You would rather sit and talk with us, than play with all your toys
Where there was three, now there's only two,
Oh baby boy, it's hard, because we all miss you.


You always made your mamma smile,You'd always go the extra mile.Never let anyone down, always wanted you around,Wish that you were back right here.

When do things get easier, and when will the pain heal?Because since your life was taken, this life doesn't seem so real...

You were so special, a man among the boysYou would rather sit and talk with us, than play with all your toysWhere there was three, now there's only twoOh baby boy, it's so hard, because we all miss you....

They say that tomorrow gets easier and time heals the painBut your little life was taken and things will never be the same.... because,

You'll always be special, a boy too young in yearsBut for now you're away from us, and we've cried many tears.But we'll see you again, not too long from now....Oh baby boy..... Oh baby boy.... soon you will be back right here.



“God will not give you more than you can handle”
 ~1 Cor 10:13

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo


Wednesday 27 June 2012

Emotions (UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN…)


Emotions (UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN…)

Life consists of no certainties, therefore life is always changing. But for people living with CF it can be so exhausting, especially since our emotions have a direct impact to how we feel physically.

For most people, I mean the general public, they have this fixed idea built into their bodies that they were born, go to school, get an education, get married, start a family, eventually retire, then grow old and eventually die. (Not necessarily in that order) But for people with CF, that ideation of how things are supposed to flow in life is quickly changed as we learn in our young years of the reality of having such a devastating disease. Sure we are born and most now get to attend school. However, only 1 out of 2 people living with CF make it to the age of 25. Meaning the getting the education part and everything after is not often a reality for someone with this disease. Therefore our emotions and our values are made up differently from the ‘average Joe’.

Not only do we have to face those harsh realities, but we also face everyday changes that happen to us as well. For example, back in January my life was ok. I was fairly healthy. February I was in the hospital fighting for my life, right up until the middle of April, when I was discharged from the hospital. But the whole time in there my body was changing. One day telling me I was going to be ok, the next telling me to saw my goodbye’s and pray to God that if there is anything in store for me after death, than please, let me make it there. And then now today where I literally have to get blood work every week to make sure that the anti-biotics I am on are not hurting my kidneys or my liver too much. And that all the other factors and numbers are all looking ok. I mean, our reality is that tomorrow I could be in a hospital bed fighting for my life again. I know that this is a reality for everyone, I know a lot of you are thinking that, but it is a shadow that follows us CF’ers around wherever we go and with us through whatever we do.

Add on top of that, having to re-create my beliefs and values after leaving my former religion. In that faith, you are taught what to believe and if you don’t believe it then you cannot be a believer, or follower. So I formatted my mind, like a computer, to what I needed to believe in order to be accepted by them. I had this fixation in my mind of how God saw me and how I needed to present myself in order to be loved by him. It was this thinking that led me to many of my darkest hours in life. And now I have to ‘reboot’ as it were and create my own truth and what works for me. It’s very challenging and to be honest, very overwhelming at times. Especially now that I am OUT and living with another man. Sometimes I feel like life is happening too fast, not saying that I don’t love it, because I genuinely do. But sometimes I feel like I just don’t have time to think of what I want and stay grounded because life is always on the move.

They blamed so many factors on my being gay. For example, they told me that it was a result of my troubled upbringing. Nope that wasn’t it. I know a lot of gay people who had a perfect upbringing. And they turned out gay so that couldn’t possibly be the reason. Then they said, it was because you were raped when you were younger. Nope, that’s not it either because I know many straight people who were raped by the same sex when they were kids. Then they told me that it was an imperfection of the flesh that I had to deal with. Ok, so I thought this may be it for approximately 60 seconds. Then, my heart just told me, and I am sorry to quote Lady Gaga on this one, that I was “born this way”. I spent so much time trying to wrap my head around the fact that I couldn’t accept myself for the way I was because everyone else couldn’t, until one day I woke up and I didn’t care anymore. And I am so glad I have seen the ‘light’. So learning to accept myself and adapt to a new life is something that I have to deal with on top of everything else an average CF person faces.

And now I am with the most amazing man, and he has so many hopes and dreams, and when he talks about them I actually picture myself by his side as he reaches the realization of them. But yet a part of my mind doesn’t allow me to fully go there because of the ideation that we CF people are taught right from a young age. For example, we want to build a house, but I question just how long I will be able to enjoy it, rather than just going for it. We want to travel. But then I wonder what kind of tole that will take on my body and if it will actually shorten my life, or will that give me more of a motivation to keep surviving. Then starting my business and being so overwhelmed with that dream being realized that I wonder if I should just go for it, no holding back. It’s so crazy to wrap my head around it all! Yes, I believe in taking one day at a time, but I also believe it’s important to look to the future with optimism. It can however, be very difficult for someone with a life-threatening illness. Especially one that for 7 years of his life was in a religion that taught, don’t think, just go with the flow.

The weather plays such a role too. Like today, here in Clarenville it’s raining and really dark and gloomy outside. So not only do my lungs feel tight, but a little bit of depression sets in as well. Now that’s normal for anyone, who doesn’t want to see the sun every day? But then again, we all need a little rain. If it weren’t for the rain how would we recognize the sunshine? But it’s just so crazy how so many things can affect your emotions. So many things that can make or break you. But just like a real life rollercoaster, you just have to ride it out. You just have to hold on for dear life and pray that you make it with some degree of sanity at the end of it all. All I know is that I was blessed with yet another day. Another day closer to getting my lung transplant. Another day closer to another shot at life. And until that day I just gotta ride this thing out the best way I can, with all of my dear family and friends by my side.


“All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up; that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Monday 25 June 2012

Always moving, Always changing


Always moving, always changing

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a year now since I tried to take my own life. It’s hard to imagine now in the midst of all this happiness that I was once so sad and in despair that I felt that the only option I had was to end my life. As I look back on this past year, I can honestly tell each and every one of you that I don’t know how I survived, all I know is I am glad I did and I know in my heart I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

It was May 31st of last year. We were driving home from the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis in St. John’s, my ex-wife and sister in-law and a few others. As we were driving through the Terra-Nova Park, I was contemplating just how different my life could be if I just got enough strength and courage to embrace my true self and be honest with everyone about my sexuality. As you can imagine a lot was going through my mind, and because of that, I made a bad judgment call while driving and it could have killed all of us. Everyone in the van demanded I pull over and let someone else drive. My sister in-law, who had lost a child in a tragic car accident was crying hysterically and I just felt so bad that in that moment I just wanted to be six feet under. After I calmed down and took my puffer, we got back on the road to Gander. The whole way I just thought of ways to end all this. Perhaps I could jump in front of a car? Or maybe I could cut myself and bleed to death? No, because I wanted to make sure that once I started the process there was no going back. Then I thought, God, I have CF my house is loaded with pills. So in a moment of weakness, when I was alone at home, I took most of all the pills that were in my medicine cabinet.

To this day I question a lot. I question my beliefs, I question my purpose but most of all I question why I allowed myself to get that low and feel the pain of wanting nothing more than to be dead. The next time you hear of someone trying to take their own lives, please don’t judge them. Please don’t call them selfish. You do not understand the pain that has to be felt to bring someone to that darkest place. Rather try and have compassion and count your blessings that you may never have to feel that kind of emotion. Because it is very scary, and no one chooses to feel that kind of pain.

Somehow with the help from some pretty amazing people I was able to get the guts and drive to allow myself the freedom of opening up to the world about who I truly was. Those people will never know just what their love and support has meant to me. I could never think of a satisfying way to show them. But I will honor them with the rest of my life. And now I am here. In this beautiful pace in life that I also question if I deserve. I have caused a lot of hurt to a lot of people. My Family, my ex, a lot of the friends I had previous to this new life, who chose now to have nothing to do with me, just because I am ‘GAY’. And I would be lying if I said it didn’t sadden me. I don’t think you should like or not like someone based on their sexual orientation. What difference does whom I share my bed with, to how good of a friend I can or cannot be? I take comfort in knowing that had they loved me truly for who I was, they would still be by my side. In fact, that was one of the things I dreaded most, was losing people who meant so much to me, yet my sexual preference would mean they would never be able to talk to me again. But my mother gave me a word of wisdom, she said; “Those who are with you – truly with you, will be by your side when the dust settles.” And it wasn’t long after she gave me that admonition that I left. Now my life is enriched with people who love me for me, and they are excited about the positive things that are happening in my life, no longer needing to hide my true life from them. It’s almost as if I was a bird kept in cage for so long with my wings clipped, that I now can spread them and fly with the eagles, only to have people cheer me on as I do so.

It’s hard for me to imagine too just how far I have come with my illness. One year ago I was not taking very good care of myself, and deep down I believe it was because I just wanted the nightmare to end. Now I am back on track. And even though the prospect of getting a double lung transplant haunts my shadow every day, I am living life now day by day. I take one day at a time. I’ve never done that before, never been able to. I always had to have a plan to ensure I would have a measure of happiness. Now, I take each day as it comes. Today, my lungs feel great! I am a little tired but nothing major. I am at a healthy weight, no cough and my energy for the most part has been up. I walk almost every day around the harbor with Perry and the salt water is having a positive impact on my health. I have a check-up on Friday in St. John’s and I am anxious to hear what my numbers are. No matter what though, I know deep down in my soul that I have a lot of living, real living left to do. And I know in my heart that given the chance to receive new lungs, I will make it through. I am a survivor, therefore I have no choice! It truly excites me, the thought of being able to do normal everyday things that I cannot do now that others take for granted after I get my new lungs.

So, life is always changing. This time one year ago I was living with a woman, very unhappy, living in Glenwood, with not much of a life. Today, I’m living with a man, who happens to be my biggest fan, in Clarenville, I am extremely happy, started my own business and loving life. Life truly is like a rollercoaster. Just when you think you’re on the straight and narrow, life takes you for an unexpected twist or upside down turn that rocks your world. But it can be beautiful too, if you embrace it and ride with it. Had you had told me this time last year that I would first, be happy and two, in love with a man, I probably would have laughed in your face, because I kind of gave up on my own happiness. Just comes to show you never do know what tomorrow brings. But I am glad I embraced my tomorrow and I am now living for today!

I have no idea what the future holds, none of us do. But what I do know is that all my yesterdays have prepared me for my tomorrows. My past has helped better me for my future. I am excited to see what the next chapter in this beautiful story will unfold. Having to constantly check my attitude is key. I don’t allow negative influences in my life anymore and I keep away from “Drama”. Life is too short to be absorbed by people who suck the life out of you.

If I could say anything, anything at all to any of you going through a hard time it would be; Just hold on. I know what you are going through is intense and you may feel like there is no way out. But life is always moving, always changing. And life is about to become more beautiful for you, you just have to believe it. Take it from someone who has been though a lot of pain, misery and suffering –
the best is yet to come!”

“Do not tell me the skies the limit, when there are footprints on the moon!” ~ Unknown

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Tuesday 19 June 2012

An amazing opportunity - A realistic Decision

This past Saturday I got a call making me an offer of a lifetime. Yet again, I faced another HUGE decision, one that needed great thought and consideration. This is the decision I have made.

Ever since I was in high school, I loved being in the Arts. I was heavily involved with Drama and loved theatre arts and Art classes. When I left high school, I learned the art of cooking. However shortly after I started working in restaurants, my doctor strongly suggested that I change careers because the propane and the humidity from being in a confined space was having an impact on my health. I loved to cook, still do, and I am told I am really good at it. It’s very much a passion of mine.

Growing up, since about the age of twelve, once a week I rearranged my room. The bed would be moved, shelves would be moved from the north wall to the one with window. All my little knick-knacks
would all find a temporary home until I decided it was time for another change. Then as I got older, I noticed I could not enter a room and imagine it being different, better, than what it already was. I started offering advice to people with hearing only but positive responses. Then I started decorating my own space after moving out of mom’s into my own apartment. My landlord at the time always commented on how great I could make a space look with the little amount of belongings I had at the time. Then I bought a house and created that into a sanctuary that I so loved living in.

Yet, something was missing. I knew I was good at it and had a great eye for taste, but I wanted more formal training. So I attended Sheffield Interior Design School. There I learned a lot of things I didn’t know and perfected some things I did. With this course under my belt, I knew that this is the field where I wanted to pursue a career. So that’s exactly what I am doing. I just started my business and it is going really well. Getting a lot of calls, leading to a lot of happy clients. But Saturday, I got a call that left me dead in my tracks. I was asked if I wanted to join the faculty of Sheffield Interior Design School! The pay was outstanding and the thought of it at first caused great excitement. But then I heard the voice of reason in my head.

My health right now is stable. But as I discussed in past blogs, for people with CF that could change overnight. Being a teacher and having to dedicate the next two years of my life to teaching something I truly would rather work at then teach would be a very big commitment for someone in my predicament. If I was post-transplant and feeling fabulous, then yes, maybe then I would consider it, but for now, I truly believe the best decision is to turn it down.

I’ve always believed in the saying; “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it”, meaning that if things in life are going really great, then don’t try and change anything. And to say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life would be the understatement of the century. I have a man who would only love to see me pursue my passion (if teaching was my passion) and supports everything I do. I have an amazing family behind me whom I am able to see often. I have a beautiful life here in this new place where I am living. Living next to the water has always been a dream of mine. And my business, though new, is showing promising potential. And I am able to work at what I love to do, and not teach it.

Now I know a lot of people are going to think I am crazy for turning this down. OH BOY! I can just hear the comments…especially telling me I would be compensated 100+ thousand a year. But honestly? None of that is important to me anymore. What’s truly most important to me now is not making lots of money. It’s being able to look in the mirror and being at peace with whom I see. It’s loving everyone to the best of my ability, even my enemies. It’s going for walks around the harbor with Perry and admiring a breath taking sunset. It’s being able to have a day off whenever I want it. I would not be able to have those things working full-time in NYC. Plus, my health right now HAS to have priority. And I truly know that if I moved there, it would not. I would be so far away from my real life and I feel like I would be in danger of losing myself again by diving into a new way of life.

I also believe to that wisdom is allowing me to make this decision. I am growing up!
J
My life is so beautiful right now, and I feel like maybe this opportunity is a test. How far am I willing to go to reach my goals and dreams? Am I willing to sacrifice my health? My family? And my relationships? I surely couldn’t expect Perry to move away from his family for two years and flying back and forth would just defeat the purpose. So I believe this is another time when contentment is playing a key for me. I am so happy with the way life is right now that I really truly do not want to change anything. Sure, we only live in a tiny apartment in a small town in Newfoundland, Canada. But I am sure of one thing. There is more contentment, love, respect and happiness here then there ever could be in a condo in New York.

Call me crazy, but I am going to stay where I am. I’m going to pour my heart into my business that is named after my dear nephew, Damon James. That’s where my heart is. Because it’s being out doing what I love to do most; create beautiful living spaces for beautiful people that causes me so much joy. And continue to focus on building a relationship with someone who loves me bigger than any sky scraper in NY. And reminds me every day I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this space and time – HIS ARMS!!

I’ve also learned to listen to my ‘gut’. More often than not it is usually right and something about the thought of going to live in New York freaks me out and gives me knots in my stomach. A fast paced way of life is not for me. And I am happy, oh so happy just
where I am.

“This above all…
  To thine own self be true.”

 ~ William Shakespeare

Jamie Leigh Fransis
xo

Wednesday 13 June 2012

POKER FACE

Poker Face
When my family was home from away, we sat down and had a great game of poker. In the middle of the game, I had an epiphany. And my realization has helped my view on life.

When you play poker, your outcome or how you fair in the game is really dependent on the hand you are dealt. If you lose, it does not reflect on the type of person you are or what talents you may or may not have, but totally 100% based on the hands you are dealt. You may make some conscience decision to keep certain cards, but think about it, the outcome of each individual hand is based on the cards you are given.

As I grew up I always blamed some higher being or God for all the unfortunate things that happened to me in my life. Having Cystic Fibrosis, being raised in an alcoholic home, and having to struggle sometimes just to stay alive. I blamed ALL these things on other sources. It wasn’t until I did some major soul searching that I realized none of the aforementioned things were anyone’s fault, they were just the cards I was given. What I did and still do have completed 100% control over, is my attitude. It’s been said that attitude can either make or break a person. And now that I am having conversations with doctors and others about having a lung transplant, I’ve learned that your attitude can mean the difference between life and death. In preparation for transplant, I will have to meet with a social worker and prove to them that life is very important to me and that my attitude will help me survive.

Besides free will, attitude is one of the gifts that God has given us that we have a measure of control over. It can make the saddest day, happy. It can make the sun shine when it’s raining. But it is all in our hands.

Things happen to us that are completely out of our control, and we are human. The natural response is to want someone or something to blame. But really, does that make us feel any better? Not me. I’d rather monitor my own attitude to how I react to the given situation to make sure I don’t make anyone else more miserable than they have to be.

One thing I have learned to be detrimental in life is having a Poker Face, or a dishonest face. A poker face sure can be useful in an actual game of cards but it can ruin your life in the real world. It’s better to be honest and upfront with our emotions rather than try and cover up how we truly feel. That just leaves people confused and frustrated with us.

Yes, to be honest, it does suck that I have to go and get a lung transplant. But I have two options;

1.) I can be unhappy. I can spend every day under the covers why I have been burdened with all these defects of being a human being. I can throw pity parties and make everyone’s life miserable. I can get really depressed and need medication to keep me afloat. I can give up. Cause my family to worry and ponder over ways to get me through this very dark time in my life. I can listen to sad music all the time and cry a lot.

OR

2.) Live every day to the fullest. Be happy with the gifts and blessings I have today. I can be a light to other people who are facing their own storms and ride it out with them. I can nurture a positive attitude that will surely help me survive the surgery and the therapy needed thereafter. I can reassure my family that you know what, I am going to be ok! I can do this!

Which do you pick? What would you rather be around?
I hope you said #2. Cause that’s the one I want. I want to leave a legacy of someone who never gave up! Someone who never backed down when faced with a challenge! Someone who was a light to others who are experiencing hard times. Not a Debbie Downer. Someone whom others dreaded to be around. Who wants that? Not me!

So yes, we are all dealt shitty cards at times, but really what can you do about it? Certainly flicking that cards back at the dealer isn’t going to solve anything, nor change anything for that matter. But watch your attitude and make adjustments where needed. I think you’ll be surprised just how much it affects the situation. I know I was!

Game of Poker anyone?

“Contentment consists not in adding more fuel, but in taking away some fire.”   ~Thomas Fuller

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

A Fresh Attitude!

A fresh attitude!

It’s amazing how much attitude can influence everything in your life.

I remember growing up always feeling like there was something more to be had out of life. I always wondered what it was and I think I’m starting to figure it out. I’m realizing more and more every day that what happens to us is directly linked to our attitude towards any particular situation. If I had to have come to this conclusion sooner it would have saved me a lot of heart ache. Had I known that having a positive attitude would strongly affect my CF I would have had it sooner. My whole life I always resented the fact that I had a disease and I always had death in the back of my mind. But now I see nothing but life in my future! I think it’s because I’ve changed my attitude. I figure if I must die, should I not LIVE every day, every moment to the fullest? And not spend so much time worrying about what MIGHT happen and start focusing on the positive things that ARE happening for me in my life. And it’s all these positive things that are keeping me so positive which is causing even more positive things to happen to me!

I spent 8 months to be exact contemplating leaving my ex-wife to pursue an authentic life. One filled with genuine love and true feelings and honesty. But I held back because I was afraid of the unknown, afraid to be judged. If only somehow I could have had a chip put in my brain that would have told me that everything was going to be o.k. And that I was going to be TRULY happy, and HEALTHY! I was so focused on making everyone else happy and not wanting to stir up trouble while on the inside I was dying. But I did it. I left and if there is one thing I always tell people over and over again when they ask me, why, why did you do it? Is this;

I would rather die a thousand deaths at the hand of God, than to live one whole entire life WISHING I was dead, and live a life full of unhappiness. IT’S NOT WORTH IT!

With all the positive things going on in my life right now, I can’t help but feel sad for the person I used to be, and so glad I got out when I did. I am embracing myself and who I was born to be and it seems as though in doing that has released a whole lot of POSSITIVITY towards me and my life. I no longer have to constantly lie about everything. I spent so much time lying about who I truly was that I got accustomed to lie about everything, even the smallest things. Now, I can be so open and honest and it feels so good. I can sleep at night knowing that today, the day I just lived, was lived in the most respectful, honest way I know how. And in doing so, karma has handed me a gracious hand of positivity.

I did something I have always wanted to do because I have no fear, and that is to start my own business in Interior Design. I’ve been told so much over the past few years that I have a nack for it, and that I could make the ugliest spaces look beautiful. And I never listening cause inside I never felt worthy enough. Well, that attitude was flushed down the toilet and now my confidence has only blossomed because of the response I am getting already. Rather than be fearful I am running with it, ever ready to embrace anything life is about to hand me! I only started a couple weeks ago and I already have so much worked lined up. And it’s amazing working at something you settle for as opposed to something you truly love and have a passion for. There is no greater reward as a designer in walking into a space, creating a vision and then seeing a client cry because they are so pleased with how it turned out! Ugh! Goosebumps!!
LOVES IT!!!

I made another rash decision too. I moved to Perry’s hometown, instead of having him move in town with me. I believe a true, loving relationship is built on sacrifice. He was more than willing to move to town and actually had interviews lined up. However, he has a full clientele out here, and he also has two, darling little nieces. I know that I would do anything to be with my nephew Damon James in Winnipeg, and I couldn’t live with asking him to move away from those girls whom he would only see every so often when we would visit periodically. So, I moved. Now I live where I have always wanted to live. BY THE WATER! Literally right outside our house is a walking trail around the harbor here in Clarenville. All you can smell this time of year is the salt-water and oh how good that is for my lungs! But just being happy every day with how things are turning out in my life is such an adjustment. I used to dread ‘the next day’ because it was the same ol’ disappointing, dissatisfied, sad life. Now, I can’t wait to see what the next five minutes are going to bring!

And alllllllllll the time I spent worrying over who would still be standing next to me at the end of all this when the dust settled, really didn’t matter. Because the ones who are here and the ones that truly love me. And it really doesn’t matter who is standing next to as long as YOU are happy. Because happiness is contagious. So is love. And it seems as though ironically that I have even MORE genuine friendships now than I ever did, and it has to be because I am myself and people can either accept me for that or turn the other way. Their choice!

All I am saying is;
don’t wait till tomorrow like I did to create a beautiful today!  

I’m not Dr. Phil, but I do know what has worked for me, and I don’t like him anyway! He talks too much! LOL

I must go, I’m going to pick up my amazing boyfriend soon and head to his parents who live in a little town by the ocean and have an AMAZING evening with the man I am NOT afraid to love!

LIFE IS GOOD!!!

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."
- Martha Washington

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo